I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
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is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
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I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.