If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
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oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
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Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok