mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
