yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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