sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
