my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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