you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
