he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
