Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
