I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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