I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
