Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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