I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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