Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
