it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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