he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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