well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
