see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My ATM looks so different sober.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
