Me. At least after what I've been through.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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