She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
