dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
