I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
