This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
