my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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