So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
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A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
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I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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