He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
