i think my tv is drunk
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
