she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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