Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
