I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
