I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
