i would punch a child for taco bell
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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