On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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