if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
