Cold hands, warm shart.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
