Small penises have feelings too.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
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Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
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btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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