the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
