i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
