I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
