I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
