The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I look better un-naked...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
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he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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