the condom got lost in my hair
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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