I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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