We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
