can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
