New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
