dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
sarcasm needs its own font
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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