Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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