Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
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I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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