It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
