Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
