I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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