What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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