Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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