I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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