How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
